Summary- The sailors' admiral, Admiral Cohen, has an international naval conference in Washington, D.C.. Their ship has escorted the admiral to Washington, and though other sailors from their ship are on shore leave, our "heroes" are once again forced to remain on board. They dislike this, so they write an "anonymous" note to Admiral Cohen about the mistreatment the boys get from Cap'n Arthur. As usual, the plan blows up in their face, but the boys are surprised to find they will get to meet the President of the U.S.A..

Setting- The deck of their ship

Characters-

Reginald- the undisputed leader of the three sailors. He is the smartest and wittiest of the three. He is respectful of authority but is impatient with Conrad and William, but particularly William. Though he is impatient with them, Reginald likes being around Conrad and William because he can exercise control over them, (much in the way Moe had control over Larry and Curly)

Conrad- Conrad wants to be captain one day. He isn't particularly smart, but he is by no means dumb. His main focus in life is to maintain a good reputation and work hard in the hopes that he might someday get to call the shots. He practically idolizes his superiors. He isn't one to get angry, but in this play he is frustrated because he is stuck on his ship instead of seeing the sights in Washington. Notice, however, that even in his attempt to solve the problem, Conrad tries to avoid causing trouble with Cap'n Arthur.

William- William isn't very smart. He likes to draw attention to himself by acting sophisticated. He is quick to speak and slow to think. Though he tries his best to make a bad situation better, William nearly always makes the trio's problems worse with his antics or ludicrous comments. The actor portraying William should use an especially thick British accent and a voice that reflects William's dumb character.

Cap'n Arthur- The ideal captain- authoritative, yet easy going. He is patient with the sailors' schemes. This is because he knows the boys will only make bigger fools of themselves. He is very proud of his ship, and though it isn't very obvious, he is proud of his sailors. A more Scottish accent would be prefered for Cap'n Arthur.

Admiral Cohen- A very quiet, unemotional version of Cap'n Arthur. He allows Cap'n Arthur to run his own ship without interfering. He likes to observe what is happening.

Jonathon- An average sailor who is just off to see the sights. Pretty good friends with Reginald, Conrad, and William.

Ensign Drake- A messenger boy, Private Drake has a much better notion of how to become captain than does Conrad.

The President- Not any president in particular. The President never actually goes onstage. He doesn't have any lines. He just extends his hand to the sailors for a handshake.

The Play-

(William, Conrad, and Reginald are on the deck. William and Conrad working hard mopping, Reginald just relaxing.)

Reg- I can't believe were here in Washington, D.C., and I'm stuck here with you two doing chores.

Con- How did we get stuck mopping the deck again, anyway?

Reg- William told Admiral Cohen's wife that she looked like Winston Churchill.

Wil- Personally, I'd be flattered if someone told me I looked like Winston Churchill. He was a great man.

Con- William, you never tell a woman she looks like a man, it's just not proper.

Reg- You don't have much room to talk, Conrad. (sarcastically) William was only joking, Mrs. Cohen, Winston Churchill didn't have a beard.

Wil- Why do Cap'n Arthur and Admiral Cohen get to go to an international convention and we don't?

Reg- Because, William, they have power. Sailors like us don't get to do anything but mop decks.

Con- Reginald, do you think that Cap'n Arthur will get to meet the president?

Reg- I doubt it. The president of the United States is much too busy to meet British naval officers.

Wil- Reginald, if America is the land of the free and the home of the brave, what does that make England?

Reg- The land of the queen and the home of the crumpets.

Con- You know what? I've been to America five times and I've never once gotten more than one afternoon of shore leave.

Wil- Me neither. Boy I'd sure love to see Washington, D.C.. The White House, the Lincoln Memorial, the Smithsonian. Thinking about it just makes me want to sing. (singing) Oh, say, can you see...

(enter Jonathon)

Jon- (interupts) Afternoon, Reginald, Conrad, William.

Reg, Con, Wil- Good day, Jonathon.

Con- Are you stuck on the ship, too?

Jon- Not a chance. I'm taking a shuttle bus to the city. Well, I'm on my way.

(Exit Jonathon)

Wil- Why does Jonathon get to go to Washington while we're stuck here?

Con- Yeah, I'm tired of this. Cap'n Arthur is always picking on us.

Reg- Well, what are you going to do, complain to Cap'n Arthur?

Wil, Con- (under breath) No, not me.

(slight pause)

Con- I know, we'll write Admiral Cohen an anonymous letter, and ask for more time off for the sailors on Cap'n Arthur's ship!

Reg- Good show, Conrad! (pulls out pen and paper)

Wil- Yeah, and I know just what to write! (takes pen and paper, starts to write as others look on)

(Enter Cap'n Arthur and Admiral Cohen)

Cap'n - Whatcha up to, boys?

Con- Oh, just making sure the deck is in tip top shape. (William drops note)

Wil- Yes, and I can asure you that it is both tip and top!

Cap'n- That it is, good work gents.

Adm- (looks down, picks up note) What's this?

(William checks pockets, Conrad and Reginald both glare at William)

Adm- (reading) Dear Admiral Cohen, Cap'n Arthur treats us bad. An anonymous note from William, Reginald and Conrad. P.S., your wife doesn't really look like Winston Churchill.

Cap'n- (calmly) You boys have some explaining to do.

Reg, Con, Wil- (altogether) I didn't do it, he did it! (all point at each other)

Reg- To tell you the truth, Cap'n...

Con- (interupts) We were set up!

Wil- Yes! Sam the cook wrote the note to get even with us because Conrad insulted his meatloaf!

Cap'n- I really don't want to hear your excuses...

Con- (interupts again) We found the note in a bottle!

Wil- YES! And we didn't know how to get to it but then there was this big tidal wave, and...

Cap'n- (loudly) ATTENTION!!!

Wil- (finishing his sentence)...I'll just shut up.

Cap'n- Boys, I don't care why you wrote the note. I was going to give you two days of shore leave, but in light of all that has happened...

(enter Ensign Drake)

Ensn- (saluting) Excuse me, Captain Arthur, but the President has arrived.

Cap'n- Thank you, Ensign Drake.

(Exit Ensign Drake)

Con- The President?

Cap'n- Yes. In all this excitement, I never got to tell the crew that the President of the United States of America is going to join us on our ship. Would you boys like to meet him?

Reg- Would we?

Wil- Ooooh, I haven't been this excited since that Tom Jones concert!

Cap'n- (to offstage) Mr. President, welcome to our ship. (to sailors)Over here, lads.

(Reginald, Conrad, and William walk, awestruck.)

Cap'n- Mr. President, I'd like you to meet three of our finest sailors.

(Reginald, Conrad, and William shake The President's hand, who is actually just offstage.)

Adm- Well, Mr. President, we really must be getting along. The banquet room awaits.

(Exit Cap'n Arthur and Admiral Cohen)

Wil- (suddenly serious) They elected him to be their leader?

Reg- In this country they have the right to be foolish.

(Exeunt)