Summary:The characters from "Cap'n", (Conrad, Reginald, and William), are in New York, supposedly keeping watch over their British ship. They are caught by Captain Arthur sneaking back onto the boat after a night on the town. The rest of the play is full of hilarious blunders and off-the-wall excuses to keep themselves out of the stockade.

Characters:

Conrad-not a very intelligent man, but tries to keep out of trouble. The actor portraying Conrad's character should keep in mind that Conrad wants to avoid getting caught at all costs, so he should have a nervous and emotional sound in his voice.

Reginald-not brilliant, but the smartest and wittiest of the sailors. He isn't responsible, and Reginald is the one who makes up the excuses to Captain Arthur. To the actor, remember: As Reginald makes up excuses, he should have a look on his face as one who is trying to keep a straight face, but isn't doing a very good job. His speech to the captain should be an insult to Arthur's intelligence.

William-kind of a cross between Gilligan and Gomer Pyle. Not intelligent, not good with words, but William is spunky, quick to speak, and has an excitement about him which makes his character hilarious. He is quick to get in on conversations, which is an annoyance to the other characters, because William often gets them in trouble. The person portraying William should use a loud, thick accented voice that shows his limited intelligence.

Captain Arthur C. McElroy-a gruff, proud man, Captain Arthur is an old-fashioned sailor who demands respect and discipline. He sees through the sailors' excuses until the end. The actor should have a strong, loud, boastful voice that matches Captain Arthur's character.

Props:

Each of the sailors should have a bag with assorted items which they have bought in the city.

Two fake tickets to a New York Yankees game

Setting:Onboard the ship of the sailors, harbored in New York

(The three sailors are sneaking across the stage when the play opens.)

Reg-New York, what a town!

Con-I'll say! I've bought plenty of souvenirs on my first trip to America, and met lots of pretty women.

Wil-Not me! I went and saw cats for free!

Reg-How on earth did you see Cats without paying any money?

Con-Yeah, it's a Broadway production!

Wil-Broadway? I saw them in that alley over, must have been fifty of them. They didn't sing, "Memory," but it was still the best show I've seen in years.

Con-William, you never cease to frighten me.

Wil-Nor I myself.

Reg-Look what I've got, two tickets to tomorrow's Yankees-Red Sox game!

Con-By Jove! But you've got two tickets and only one of you. Who else are you going to take?

Reg-No-one, I figure one of them can be a nice souvenir. Now be quiet, we're out way past curfew and we don't want to get caught by the cap'n.

Wil-And speaking of Cap'n Arthur, how are you going to get past the Cap'n to go to the game?

(Enter Captain Arthur, who stands behind Reginald)

Reg-Captain Arthur? Why that dumb old geezer couldn't catch a cold.

Cap'n-Out for a midnight stroll, chaps?

(Sailors turn around)

Wil-Why, hello, Captain Arthur. Reginald here was just talking about...

Reg-(interrupts and puts hand over William's mouth) about what a lovely night it is!

Cap'n-Indeed. And what about you, Conrad?

Con-(frightened) I'm sorry cap'n, it was their fault! Please don't send me to the stockade!

Cap'n-At ease, Conrad. Now would you boys mind telling me why you're out so late?

Reg-Late, why what time is it?

Cap'n-5:00 a.m., London time. Curfew was at 4:00.

Con-(To Reginald) I thought you said 4:00 New York time. Cap'n, he told me curfew was 4:00 New York time.

Reg-No, I said wake-up was at 4:00 New York time, which would be 9:00 London time.

Wil-I've always wondered about that time zone thing. How can the time be different at two places and still be the same time? I mean, if I were to ...

Cap'n-(interrupts) William!

Wil-(chuckles) Sorry, sir, er, Cap'n sir.

Cap'n-Now, why were you boys out an hour past curfew?

Con-Well, actually, sir, we tried to get back in time, but...um..

Reg-But we got stuck. Yeah! We were shopping at Macy's, and we were on the elevator, and then a power outage stopped the elevator.

Wil-Yeah, the elevator stopped, and I had to get out and push.

Cap'n-Uh, huh.

Con-Actually, sir, we got lost. We didn't know how to get back, so we decided to split up. Well, I was still lost, so I picked up a map and a few souvenirs at a department store, and caught a cab back here.

Reg-Yeah, and after we split up, I went in this door that I thought was a bus stop, and the next thing I know I'm in the middle of a production of West Side Story, and of course I had to finish the performance, 'cause if I'd just walked offstage it would have looked a might strange.

Wil-And, Cap'n sir, I would have been back sooner, but I got mugged by an old woman in a subway tunnel.

Cap'n-Oh, really? And what were you doing in a subway tunnel?

Wil-What? Oh, did I say a subway tunnel? Silly me, I meant to say a funnel cloud. Yeah, this big tornado swept me up, and the old woman with the green face and the pointy hat took my wallet and yelled, "I'll get you my pretty!"

Con-Oh, good show, William! Way to screw up a totally believable story! Why don't you just tell Cap'n Arthur that your eyes fell out?

Wil-Don't be silly, Conrad, of course my eyes didn't fall out. (to Captain Arthur,) But my teeth did, and it took me three hours to find them.

Cap'n-That's enough, William. Now this time, you chaps tell Captain Arthur the truth. Reginald, why were you men out an hour past curfew?

Reg-Hmm...We were out an hour past curfew because Conrad wants to be a cap'n and he was practicing being fashionably late.

Cap'n-Conrad, a captain of a British ship? Never.

Con-Now let's not get into that discussion again.

Wil-We were shooting a music video.

Reg-Good call, William! Yes, we were shooting a music video with Bruce Springsteen entitled, "Born in Britain." It premieres next Tuesday on VH-1.

Con-We thought we saw Elvis? Oh, what's the use? Reginald, we're going to go to the stockade and it's all your fault!

Cap'n-You chaps must think I'm dumb.

Reg, Con, Wil-Yes sir! (Cap'n begins to looks angry) I mean, No sir! You're not dumb!

Cap'n- You were out buying me a birthday present, and you're trying to keep it a secret.

(Sailors look at each other)

Wil-Birthday? (stupid look)

Con-Birthday, yes. Cap'n Arthur, you smart old devil, you saw right through us again. I see why you're cap'n, you're smart. Well, since the cat's out of the bag, we might as well give you our presents now.(Conrad and William give Captain Arthur their bags) And, Cap'n, look what Reginald got you, two tickets to tomorrow's Yankees game!

Cap'n-Why, thank you, Reginald! Well, good day, chaps.

(Exit Captain Arthur)

Reg-I don't believe you gave away my Yankees tickets!

Con-Well, it's better than going to the stockades.

Reg-I shouldn't have been a sailor.

Wil-Yeah, I should have been what my mum told me to be.

Con-What's that?

Wil-A bloomin' rocket scientist.

(Exeunt)